SHANAYA POV
In Mumbai
I am on my way to my home, well you might ask why home not house….. well for that I need to tell you about me
My name is Shanaya Sharma meaning "rays of light” -funny right?? because I don't have any kind of light in my life.
I am Psychologist,
I imagined that if I study this I will be able to understand emotions – but I still don't get what it feels to be loved or to be someones priority ……
I am 24 years old and my height is 4'10 I know that I am quiet short but I can't do anything about it
I am the unwanted child to my parents -the kind where your parents couldn't abort you because it might cause complication
My parents made sure that I was invisible to everyone
I have two elder siblings- but they don't like me because my parents told them that I was a curse, a mistake which they couldn't rewind
I lived my life without being in there life
(__**💐🎀💐**__)
When I was 10 ~~I won a painting competition all my teachers complimented me i was kinda proud of myself but~~~
when I came home to show it to my mother she didn't even glance at my side and went on talking to my sister giving her advice about she should improve her writing skills......
I tried to say it over and over again but they just ignored me…
With heavy hearts I took the medal and went to my room crying and threw the medal in one of the drawers……
“That's when I understood my efforts meant nothing to them– I will always be unwanted to them”
(__**💐🎀💐**__)
When I was 12 ~when I got my first period I was so scared thinking I would die I told this to my mother who was watching TV with my sister but neither my mother nor my sister listened to me and make me understand what it was.
After watching there ignorance I went and sat on the stairs crying..
The maid saw me crying and helped me understand what the period was..
“That was when I understood it that they won't care about me even if I die begging for their attention”
(__**💐🎀💐**__)
When I was 15 ~ they went on family vacation leaving me with the maid alone.
I still remember her name Savita Tai. She was the worst..
Whenever she found a chance she would make me do all the house chores
Even if I try complaining to Maa she would just ignore me and would not even take my side.
“That was when I learnt I should never voice out my pain to others when they don't give a SH*T about how you are”
(__**💐🎀💐**__)
I couldn't have a normal childhood because I was always seen as a burden to them,
Was it my fault that I was born or is it my fault I am still alive I can't understand it…..
As I didn't had a normal childhood I was not introduced to many of the emotion
so I decided to study psychology to understand about emotion , to understand what are the importance of these emotions
I initially strated studying to understand about me -but as i went onn I realized there are many other people with more deeper problem.
I want to help them lead a better life because I won't be able to lead.
Because I couldnt understand -what is happening with my life , because as the time went I started losing hope in life even tho I tried hard to be motivated but somehow I was always demotivated.
~~but I had someone with me who didn't leave me or push me. He is my best friend..
His name is Sameer Khanna .He was there with me when nobody was there for me,he understood me when nobody saw my existence,he was the support system of my life.
So this is about me……
At house
As I entered the house I was able to hear some voices from kitchen which means Papa and Bhai are cooking to have a bond it's kinda ritual for them
I saw my mother and sister were sitting on the sofa watching TV
Looking at this it feels like a complete family and I am a guest who was invited but stayed too long……
I silently went upstairs to my room and freshened up.I took my time in the shower to rethink about my whole day , then after the shower I came out and wore my night suit and went downstairs to have dinner with them.
Dining table
As I entered the dining hall they had already begun to eat without waiting for me ~~well should I feel bad for that or just move on with it
I sat on my place and served myself food before I began to eat my father called me I looked up and saw everyone watching Me I don't know why but I am having bad feeling about it
“Shanaya” Papa called
“Ji” I answered looking down at my plate waiting for him to speak
“Maine tumhari shaadi tyar Kar diya Hai aur wo log Kal tumse milne anewale hai"He completed his sentence
[I have selected a guy for your marriage and tomorrow they are coming to meet you]
I froze in my place unable to process anything, I was blank,my heart was beating so fast that I was able hear the heartbeat, I was shaking ,all the negative thought started accumulating in my brain and it started thinking
'-why all of a sudden he is doing like this do I not have a life’ or ‘am I not allowed to have a life because I was an unwanted child’.Should I try fighting him but I will definitely loose As they all will team up against me
“Kuch bolo” Bhai said and he continued “ tum iss decision se thik ho” his voice had a concern in it but he won't be able to fool me by his stupid act sometimes I get confused is he really worried about me or just faking it
[Say something] [are you ok with this decision]
I was fooled once but i won't repeat it again
(__**💐🎀💐**__)
FLASHBACK
When I was 16 and he was 24 he saw me sitting on the swing that was in the garden and told me to get ready. We are going out .
When I came back he told me to sit in the car so I went and sat in the passenger seat.
The car ride was silent but I couldn't hold my curiosity I asked him
“Bhai hum kaha jarah Hai??”
For a second I thought he didn't hear me because of the silence
As I opened my month to repeat he said
“Shut up for a while if not I will leave you here and gooo”
[ Brother where are we going ]
I was taken back for a second but didn't utter a word for the rest of the ride
After A while
He stopped near an orphanage and told me to get out of the car.
For a second I thought he will leave me in the orphanage knowing he hates me.
I had tears in my eyes, he looked at me and said “Agar tumne humari baat nahi mani Abhi aur aagebe tho main tumhe yaha chodke chlajauga”
[ If you won't listen to us now and in future then I will leave you here and go]
I looked at him confused as in why he is saying like that because my guardian is my father
As he saw my confused face he said “ Papa has given me your guardianship and from now on I am your guardian”
I was shocked not believing this but some part of my mind always knew my father hated me
Bhai continued saying “ I am going to start my own business and i don't have time for your stupid act or any kind of complaint”
“ I want above 95% in your result and all your homework should be complete before I come from office……….I will give you 3 strike per year and if you lose all the 3 strike then I will send you orphanage”
I heard all his words but I couldn't form words in my mouth, my mind is blank i can't think anything, my tears have started to form but I refuse to let it out,I won't give him the satisfaction of hurting me
I came out of my thoughts when he said “samjhe….”
[ understood]
I looked down at the ground controlling my tears and said “ ji bhai”
After that we again sat in the car and left for the house but during that journey I was just thinking about all the things that just happened just now
(__**💐🎀💐**__)
“Ji bhai"I said without looking up because I know if I did i won't be able to handle myself I need to be strong and strong girls don't cry I chanted this in my brain till the dinner was over
[ Yes brother]
Immediately after dinner I left the dining hall and went to my room.
I called Sameer I told him the situation he was also in disbelief and he said “kal wo Kaun Hai Pata chalne ke baad hum kuch karlege”
[Tomorrow after meeting them we will think what we must do]
After talking to him I sat on the swing that was on the balcony and remembered everything that was happening in my life….
I don't even know the man's name what if he also hates me, what if he also feels burdened by me
Am I destroying his life?? Am I going to be happy with this marriage ??
Should I run away??
What if he loves someone else??
What if he is being forced into this marriage??
Will he understand me??
Will he be able to make me understand what love is??
Thinking about all this I started getting a headache . I got up to sleep inside the room.That’s When I got a message
While sitting on the bed I opened it and read the message frozen in my place with a trembling hand. I blocked the number with fear….
I knew I won't be able to sleep so I took some pills and slept while thinking about the message that has been coming to me for the past 6 months …..
While thinking about this I didn't know when I slept ……
MESSENGE SAID :-
“Sleep well Little Shine💋💋”
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